I was at work today, and I get to work outside a lot. Which is nice when it's not steamy like it was today. I'm currently working on a college campus, and for some reason there is an abundance of wild animals around the place.
A couple weeks ago the guys i was working with were inside one of the buildings, and i was waiting outside because i didn't have the key. So i sat down on a bench and there was one of those free news paper things next to the bench so i took one. So I'm sitting there reading the paper and out of the corner of my eye I see an animal that i could not recognize. I don't know growing up where i did I just didn't see a lot of wild life, other then the usual skunks, raccooons, squirrels, occasional garder snakes. But whatever, i see this thing out of the corner of my eye, and it looks like a tailless beaver. I watched for a couple seconds, it was just wandering around sniffing in bushes and what not, I think, " Awww, that thing sure is cute". I pick up the paper again scanning articles about the school, because it's a school paper. And it crosses my mind that maybe if the guys came out now they'd give me shit about reading the paper while they were working. Not real shit, just ball busting, but i decide to put the paper down anyway. As soon as i put the paper down I see straight ahead of me this tailless beaver charging full speed at me, fifteen feet and closing fast. Now I'm no pussy, but when you see a wild animal charging at you, looking you in the eye, with a grin on his face, like "Let's dance". You get a little jumpy. So i did, i jumped up threw the paper at him and ran for a set of stairs nearby. Ok that's a lie. I ran up the stairs and around the corner. Whatever let's not split hairs. So when i finally get up the nerve, i look around the corner and down the stairs he's gone, just gone. I mean there were bushes around me and stuff but other then that, it was wide open. I went back down the stairs cautiously, I looked in all the bushes from a safe distance and i couldn't find him. Needless to say as i was crawling around peering through the bushes my coworkers came out. I didn't wait for them to ask what i was doing I just foolishly blurted out something i still get made fun of for. I said, " I was attacked by a tailless beaver, be careful he's still around here somewhere." After some time of humiliation we had a meeting of the minds and decided it was a ground hog. But it was a mean ground hog.
But ground hogs aren't the only wild life on campus. We've seen several hawks around too. The hawks always seem to be getting harrassed by other birds, usually crows. The other day we saw a hawk right across the street from us up on a power pole, and in the tree behind it was a smaller bird. I Don't know what the other bird was but i was smaller then a crow. The smaller bird kept swooping in on the hawk, out and back, out and back. It would get a little closer each time sometimes it would even get close enough to peck at the hawk and take a feather or two. But the hawk wouldn't budge. The smaller bird went back in the tree for a few seconds, and started twittering and flapping and twittering again. Within a few more seconds it was plain to see that the smaller bird was calling reenforcements. Two other smaller birds came by and that was when the hawk finally split.
Not long after that we saw two bird way up in the air tangled together. We've all seen animal planet we know what's going on. They are having what has to be the most thrilling sex on earth. God imagine the pressure if you were the guy bird though. If they were humans it would just be a fight waiting to happen, here's what i figure:
HER: "We're getting kind of low"
HIM: "I know, shhh."
HER: "What's the matter can't you come?"
HIM: "I can if you just stop talking."
A few seconds pass...
HER: "I just don't want to fall to my death, is all."
HIM: "Well making me nervous isn't gonna help"
HER: "What are you thinking about?"
HIM: "GOD, NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD. COULD YA SHUT UP!"
HER: "Don't talk to me like that."
a few seconds more of awkward silent sex
HIM: "I'm sorry."
HER: "Is there anything i can do?"
HIM: "Ya....But...."
HER: "What tell me I'll do it"
HIM: "Well...I guess it would be cool if... you smacked my ass"
She smacks his ass gently.
HIM: " Come on baby harder!"
She smacks his ass harder
HIM: "HARDER!"
HER: " Oooh ya baby you like that?"
HIM: " OH YA BABY THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! OH I'M GONNA CO-"
Splat