Oprah: Thank you and welcome to todays show!! Today we have a very exciting guest. Todays guest gained popularity on the internet. His blog site Neddyfosdickhasnoarms Has recently grown into one of the webs hottest sites. He is also an acclaimed self help expert, and will soon be trying on a new hat as a rock musician. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Ned Fosdick!!!!
(Ned Fosdick walks out)
Ned: Thank you Oprah. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me on.
O: Well you're welcome. So as popular as you are, believe it or not there are actually some people out there who don't know who Ned Fosdick is. Why don't you tell everyone what brought you to this point in your life? How did you become the "self proclaimed king of blogs"?
Ned: Well you know, I grew up in a town about 30 miles from London, England. And what a lot of people don't know is that i am actually 683 years old. So when i was growing up things were pretty tough. My mother was very much overweight, and she had no idea she was pregnant. So i was actually born in the bathroom of what today you would call a slaughter house. She was picking up the weeks supply of pig and she felt like she had to use the bathroom and then i popped out. When my mother finally left the bathroom she had me wrapped in her coat and the butcher ran over to her with a knife in his hand screaming. Apparently he thought my mom was trying to steal a baby pig.
When I grew older my parents raised me into the family business. It was called "Bareback" and it was the most popular brothel within 12 miles. You gotta remember that 12 miles at that time was a long commute. So ya, my dad was what you would call the "pimp" and my mom, my 3 sisters, and my gay brother, Daryll, were what you would call " callgirls". Well i was about 11 at the time, and this is how it would work: My dad would bring in the customers mainly by word of mouth, but sometimes by other means of mouth. The johns would come into our home and the rest of my family would greet them one by one, and then they would kinda back away. My dad and the john would then talk about the terms of service, and i'd usually pour them some drinks, or do whatever i needed to do to make the guy feel at home. Then once they finished their discussion, the guy would go and pick the family member he wanted to "lay with" (that was what we would call it, to sound more professional, and less sleazy i guess). And at the time since we were working out of our house, well we only had one room. No seperate bedrooms, no kitchen, no bathrooms, it was just a room. We had a bed in the furthest corner from where we had the stove, and myself and all the family members who were not picked would stand around the stove. And the john would be on bed with... whoever. My job then became the "runner", and i would basically run back and forth with whatever supplies they needed, wooden cocks, towels, water, whatever.
O: Oh my, well from those humble beginnings, fast forward 670 years and here you are. By now I'm sure the audience has noticed, why don't you tell us about the suit.
Ned: Suit?
O: Ya the suit of armor. Tell us about that.
Ned: I'm not sure what you mean.
O: Ok, never mind. Tell us a little about your blog.
Ned: Well i see it's easy for you to skip 600 plus years of life, but alot happened to get me here today and I'd appreciate it if you didn't just dismiss it. This may be the only chance to be on "Oprah" and i'd like to tell my story if you don't mind.
O: Well I'm sorry, please continue. What happened next?
Ned: I don't know, i grew up, moved to america, got a computer and started blogging.
O: Tell us about that.
Ned: Well it started with jokes i guess. My friends and i had all these jokes and i decided i needed to write them down, you know. Well then it all just exploded. The site was insanely popular. I knew my star was rising when i started to hear jokes about myself on "Dave Letterman" and "Conan" and everything.
O: Really? So you were sitting there watching late night tv and, there were jokes about you? What did you think when you first heard you name on those shows?
Ned: I wasn't really surprised, you know. I've always been a superstar, just people never knew it before.
O: How did things change for you, now that you've aquired moderate popularity?
Ned: Well I have a lot more money now. The blog site eventually got some real good sponsors. ArmorAll, Tampax, Riddex, they were all on board for some good cash. I got my self a new Bugati Veyron, which is a nice little car. I bought a used all white tiger from sigfield and roy. So i have a couple things i like to splurge on but, I'm sure i have enough money to last me forever.
O: Hahaha, I know the feeling. So what kind of things do you write about on your site?
Ned: Mainly I right about things that i enjoy talking about, or things i find funny.
O: Like what? Give us an example.
Ned: Like long farts followed by short farts. PLFFFFFFFFFFFTTT........PTT.
O: Very interesting.
Ned: Ya, you see how the short fart is like an exclamation point on the long fart? That's what makes it funny.
O: Alright well, you've also written a self help book.
Ned: Well Oprah, i don't really like to call it "self-help". If you think bout it if people could help themselves they wouldn't need my book at all. Instead I like to call it "Ned's-help".
O: Ned's help?
Ned: Ya Ned's help, that sounds nice doesn't it? I fell into this by accident really. I would get a lot of fan mail because of the site, and i met hundreds of people with no arms, and no legs, and alot of the people that i would talk to would ask me for all sorts of advice. So I thought to myself, some one has to think of something to tell people, no matter what there problems are, that will help them out. In other words, one speech that will help everyone solve their problems. Anyway the name of the book is Suck it Up, and Quit Your Bitching Before I Punch You in Your Teeth. And i think it's design is going to help a lot of people. It's not just for one specific type of problem. It's not just for the poor, the fat, the ugly, the gay. It's for any one with problems no matter how big or small.
O: Well it's not a very long book, in fact i read it just this morning while taking a... while i was drinking my morning coffee.
Ned: No I know. It's about 5 and a half pages. But they will absolutely change your life. The first couple of chapters talk what you can expect from my program and the last 12 chapters are the program its self.
O: Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you, I found that the title of the book pretty much summed up your book and i don't think your book will help anyone at all.
Ned: I'm suprised at you Oprah! You're a publisher yourself, you should know that the name is supposed to sum up the book. And i respectfully disagree with the last comment as well.
O: The price you have on the book here is 39.99. That's 40 dallars your taking away from someone who is in a tough situation. And is looking for help that you are not going to provide them. That's a sham. Some body had to call you out on that and if it were between me and Tyra Banks, i'd rather it be me.
Ned: Well of course i can understand that, but your overall point is not taken. I feel that if people are that desparate then this book is exactly what they need.
O: Alright well I feel we've given the book more time then it deserves. Your also starting a tour of the northeast. Your planning on moving into music for the next stage of your career, is that correct.
Ned: Ya this is something i'm really excited about. My friend Venus and i were kinda just jammin together one day while we were alone. She is an excellent whistler and she does a little yodeling too. And I'm kinda a rocker guy like, Chris Cornell or Chris Daughtry or Kris Kristoferson. And Venus says, "you know i can't really travel, but if i could i would wanna tour the country singing and whistling for everyone i met." And i was just like "Hey i rock. Why don't i go on tour?" So that's what i'm gonna do i have my first show at the Middle East in Cambridge Mass. coming up a week from saturday.
O: And it says here that you want to perform a song for us today. Are you sure about that?
Ned: Oh absolutely. What better place to start my professional singing career then right here with you?
O: Ok well then we are going to take a break and when we come back, Ned Fosdick and The Ugly Dicklings are going to perform live on this stage, don't miss it we'll be right back.
(Commercial break)
O: Thank you, welcome back. Today we're going to welcome for the first time on national tv. The musical stylings of Ned Fosdick and the Ugly Dicklings!
(Ned sings Tequilla by the Champs.
Ned finishes singing to luke warm applause and returns to the guest chair)
O: You've got to be kidding me! There is one lyric in that entire song. And that's the song you choose to display your so called talents. Alright Ned i think i've had enough talking to you today. I think i'm going to just go into the audience and see what they have to say. Does any body have a question or comment for Ned? Yes you.
Female audience member: Yes Ned, I agree with Oprah. I don't understand why you would choose the Pee Wee herman dance song, with only one lyric when this was your chance to show the world how you sing.
Ned: Hahaha, well i can't fault the 2 of you for being naive. Neither of you are in the music industry. See all musicians have what they call a Vocal Range. Basically what that is is the range in which their voice can comfortably produce beautiful sounds. Now if your ear was trained like mine is you would see that, that song is perfectly within my vocal range, and performed if perfectly.
O: Ok some one else. Yes you.
Another female audience member: You seem to be incredibly conceited and condescending, with an attitude like that i can't imagine any girl would want to spend even a limited amount of time with you. You are just ridiculous.
Ned: Come on now let's not beat around the bush I've had a lot of women ask me if i were single and they own have their different ways of approaching the subject, but that was truly original. So i will tell you the same thing i tell other women, when they ask if I'm involved in a relationship. It depends who is asking. In your case I'm sorry but yes i am seeing someone. Now the girl a couple rows behind you, in the pink shirt, ya i am definately single if she asks. In fact if there are any interested women out there they can just shoot me and email with there picture to
NFosdick11098@yahoo.com. No reasonable offer will be refused.
O: Ok that's enough. I'm gonna go to break and bring out our next guest. Stay tuned after this for former president Bill Clinton.
